I’m coming out.
Maybe not in the way you’re thinking, but it’s still a big deal for me. Because I would love to be seen as wise, relatable, and spiritual-but-in-a-cool-way. And what I’m about to tell you doesn’t bring to mind any of those things.
You know that one thing about yourself you never tell people? The part of your life your childhood friends know about, but your current friends would never even guess?
That’s what I’m coming out with. Because I’m tired of pretending, and because I think that if I’m honest and vulnerable and tell you who I really am, it may help you be honest and vulnerable and who you really are.
I mean, we all got the way we are somehow.
So here goes: I grew up evangelical Christian. And I didn’t think it was stupid, rebel against it when I was a teenager, or leave the religion when I was in college. I was super into it for a pretty long time.
I loved God. I loved living my faith. I believed in Christianity with all my heart, mind, and body. I loved going to church and from my teen years on was a leader, hanging out with others my age, teaching children, being on committees, and even serving on the church board. I went to a Baptist college, and I loved it. Christianity was a huge part of my childhood and early adulthood. It defined who I was. There were some beautiful things about that world.
And then… it all crashed down. It just stopped making sense.
My body knew before my mind did.
In my late 20s, every time I walked in the doors of my church in New York City, I would break out in itchy red hives that would fade away as soon as I left the building. Sometimes, when the congregation sang the songs I used to love, I started crying for no discernible reason.
My heart and mind caught up to my body pretty quickly. A little six-year-old boy who usually didn’t sit still to listen to the Bible story in children’s church was captivated by the Easter story. He raised his hand and said, “I don’t get it. Why does Jesus dying on the cross make it so God forgives my sins?”
“That’s a good question, Javier,” I stalled. “What do we think? Does anyone else want to jump in here?”
No one wanted to jump in, because they were like eight years old, and I was the one who was supposed to know the answers.
And I used to know them; I did.
But all the answers started to lead to more questions, like a maze you keep trying to get to the end of but it just keeps going round and round.
Suddenly the beliefs I used to take for granted, things about homosexuality and premarital sex being wrong, seemed illogical and sort of meanhearted. All my sweet gay guy friends were going to hell?! I knew that couldn’t be.
And what about that premarital sex thing? If you’re wondering, I took that very seriously. It was pretty challenging hanging on to my virginity while being a reasonably attractive young woman pursuing an acting career in New York City. But I had always done just that. Because I loved God. Because I believed with all my heart, mind, and body.
Or I used to.
My main fear as a kid and young woman had always been that I might somehow fail God. Now I was afraid that God had somehow failed me. And that led me to my next fear, as fears often do, like links in a long chain that gets heavier and heavier as it goes down lower and lower into a dark pit:
What if I’ve lost God?
But, my friends, I figured it out.
It took a while – years. It took leaving the church and the entire culture I’d grown up in. But I figured out how to have a relationship with the Divine Spirit. I figured out how to feel my connection to the Universe without fear, without being judged or judging, without exclusion, without guilt.
And you can too. You can come all the way from wherever you started to wherever you want to go. You can. Let me know if you’d like a little guidance! Schedule a Complimentary Get Unstuck Zoom Here
Join me for my upcoming free masterclass: Redefine the Divine: Losing Your Religion, LIVE Wednesday, Oct. 30th @ 12:30 – 2pm ET