What your worst childhood fight has to do with right now
We all had them: record-breaking, history-making, never-forgotten fights with our brother or sister. And just a few words can bring it all back – the unbridled fury, the overwhelming sense of unfairness, the “how dare you?!”
With me and my brother, an otherwise very nice person, it was always about Fisher-Price Little People, specifically whose was whose. Had the little black and white dog been in his Christmas stocking or mine? Was the smiling blonde mom mine and the frowning brunette mom his, or vice versa?
We had approximately 100 different Little People and accessories to match, and we happily played with them together on the living room floor for many hours, but we argued so vociferously about these little guys that we still can’t really talk pleasantly about it.
Also unresolved is the way my brother was always smarter than me, and far more athletic to boot.
Yet we’ve managed to move on, and our unresolved disputes over Little People and chemistry Regents grades and basketball finals have not marred our relationship as adults.
Not everyone emerges as unscathed. I have clients who haven’t spoken to their siblings in years because in high school one dated the boy who just broke up with her sister, or because one was their dad’s favorite, or because their sister was always “the pretty one.”
When we believe we’re in the right, when we feel life is unfair and it’s because of this one person – it’s very hard to release that. So we stay stuck in it. One phrase, one sniff of Love’s Baby Soft, one old Polaroid, and our minds go directly into fight or flight mode: “I can’t believe you used to ___________!!!”
Why bring this up now? Because it illustrates at the micro level what we’re experiencing at a much more macro level. Division. Fighting. Words spoken in haste and fury. Hopelessness.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who reaches for my phone before breakfast to see if the world is scheduled to blow up today.
Here’s the thing you have to know: we are here in earth school. You didn’t randomly appear here on this planet. Your soul came here to learn. And the whole thing will go so much better and easier if you start asking yourself: what does my soul want to learn here?
Up until the past few years, I’ve always asked myself that question in the singular: what can I learn?
Recently I’ve realized it’s also, unfortunately, a group project: what are the lessons my country is trying to learn? What are the lessons humanity is trying to learn?
And just like when you did a group project in eighth grade, one or two people are going to carry the weight of the slackers in the group. They just are. (And if you’re reading this, you’re one of the leaders of the group. It’s on you. You will lead and others will follow. Sorry about that.)
When I ask Source what we’re supposed to be learning as a country, as humanity, what I receive in return is pretty similar to what I get when I ask what I’m trying to learn in relationships with needy family members or contentious colleagues…
Tolerance, compassion, faith, kindness, forgiveness
These are high virtues. Frankly I’m not at all sure our country or humanity is doing a great job learning them. And the price we’re paying is high: people dying, wars, losing friends and family members to political feuding, nations breaking apart.
So what can we do? Learn these lessons at the individual level. Attain and practice these virtues every day. Remember to treat yourself with tolerance, compassion, faith, kindness, and forgiveness. Then you’ll be able to treat others this way.
And then… you’ll be able to take appropriate and effective action at this crucial juncture, instead of just spreading division and fear.
It’s not easy, my friends. It’s a lot. These lessons are complex… but not impossible. Not unattainable.
But if you learn these high and hard lessons, stand in your light and shine it out as brightly as you can, and so do I, and so do millions of others… the light is stronger than the darkness. It always has been and always will be.
And we don’t need everyone to learn these lessons. That’s just not going to happen, as we are seeing. But if we get a critical mass, that will tip the scales. And it is happening. It just needs to happen faster.
If you’ve been wondering why you came here at this particular time in this particular country, this could be it. You came here to shine. You came here to be part of tipping the scales.
To have compassion when you’re exhausted. To stay centered when you’re knocked off balance. To be kind in the face of hostility. To have faith when everyone else is panicking. To shine.
We need your light. Desperately, right now.
Rise above the chatter and the hatred and the fear.
Shine. (And forgive your sister. You know how she is.)
